Past Pretending

“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.”

 ~ Mark Twain

It had been 30 years since our last interaction — an interaction that knocked the wind out of me, beat me like a punching bag, and left me crumpled on the floor. Her eyes were full of judgement, her tongue an emotional shredder, and she had a demanding and cutting demeanor. She made me stagger as if in a boxing ring, just before going down from a final knockout punch that came out of the blue. And this was just a normal interaction, not even a fighting match. Encounters with this person often inflicted deep wounds and emotional bruises. And if I never had to see her again, it would be too soon!

But 30 years later, there she was — in the pew right in front of me at our Christmas Eve service at church. Apparently she was visiting.

My heart pounded and stomach soured as I wrestled with memories of the past. I was battling two unwelcome visitors — the one sitting before me, and wounds brought to the surface. I could pretend I didn’t see her and look the other way, I plotted, or pretend I didn’t recognize her if she noticed me. I could even pretend she may have changed. But that would be pretending — both about the past and the present.

So. There I sat, with a choice looming over my head that squeezed my heart into a rapid, pounding pulse. Although it’s been said, “Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it,” I feared being crushed, and I wanted the crusher to understand the hurt she inflicts.

During the service, my mind moved past the baby in the manger, to Jesus paraded through the streets along with two thieves — the innocent with the guilty in an association of shame. Prior to that event, Jesus was blindfolded, spat upon, slapped, and taunted as his persecutors sarcastically egged Him on to guess who struck Him. Then He endured a brutal whipping where pieces of His flesh were ripped from His back, and a crown of jagged thorns shoved onto His head. All of this assault came on the heels of having already been betrayed, denied, and abandoned–and just prior to being publicly humiliated, shamed, and crushed.

Yet, Jesus forgave them all. As He hung on the cross, He also asked the Father to forgive them as well.

Jesus didn’t pretend there were no offenses.

He didn’t pretend it didn’t hurt.

He knew. And He forgave.

So. There I sat with both His example and a choice before me.

It was time to move past pretending.

Acknowledging the hurt, I offered it to the Lord as a gift. (Yes. He wants all of us — even the ugly, broken, angry, bitter, hurtful, wounded, helpless and hopeless portions!) When the service ended, I gently tapped her on the back. She turned around, our eyes met, and God surprised me with the love He poured into my heart towards her. It was an unexpected, healing moment.

In 2 Corinthians 2:1-11 Paul addresses forgiveness, followed by: But thanks be to God, who in Christ always leads us in triumphal procession, and through us spreads the fragrance of the knowledge of him everywhere (v.14) What a triumph and sweet fragrance it is when we choose to forgive!

Finish this prayer in your own words: Oh Lord, You know how hard it is for me to let go of _____(name what you’re holding onto) Please remove any fear, anger, or desire to punish _____(name of person) for the hurt they’ve inflicted. Lord, You know . . .(tell the Lord about it)

Learning to forgive is a journey and a process we get to g(r)ow through. If you found this article encouraging, please check out more of my writing (along with other authors) in an excellent collaborative devotional called The Favor Of Forgiveness and be encouraged in your journey — or encourage someone else in theirs.